M’advice #1: “Daddy is Santa Claus real?”

Wassup peepholes,

I recently posted on my fb/twitter that I was getting ready to start a new series asking my friends,family and random passersby(or however the term is properly used) what topics I should write about. I had some great ideas thrown my way. I plan to make this into a weekly series.

The premiere topic of this series is “When to break it to your kid that Santa is bullshit.” all credit goes to my dear sister. Who also runs a rant blog called gutsonfire.tumblr.com = check it out.

Typically this topic is brought up to parent from a child, with a curious big eyed expression a child will come to their parent and ask “Mommy/Daddy? Is santa claus real?” on the other hand there are times when the topic is approached from a different stand point…like when you realize that your child or someone else’s child is a spoiled little fucker that gets money signs in their damn eyes whenever a Barbie or Video Game commercial comes on the TV.

Historically i could argue that christmas in general is the biggest shopping day of the year which in turn stimulates our economy and the message of Christmas is blown waaaaay out of proportion and turns most if not all children into vile blood sucking fiends that if given a choice between Barbie/Bratz/PS3 Game at the cost participating in a hunger games scenario, as opposed to slipping presents and putting money towards a college fund. These little glue sniffing resource drainers would probably cut their best friends head off.

Granted this doesn’t apply to all children…poor people, and Amish people are excluded. Unless Jedidiah and Samuel are currently duking it out in a barn somewhere for a new sickle to beat wheat stalks, or Ahmad and Aziz are in Dubai trading scraps of food for tinker toys. Honestly the chances of that are about as close as me convincing Megan Fox to sit on my face…(dirty slut, papa like :)!)

At this point parents you have to ask yourself a question, “what do I do?”

Do you oust the poor fictional character and crush your children’s dreams in order to quell the obvious misguided fantasy that has ultimately become our reality? In attempts to some how salvage this simpleton that has sprout forth from your womb or been fertilized by the contents of your ballsack? And hopefully make a productive member of our society?

Or….

Do you be gangster as fuck and let that shit ride? Go all in? Throw caution to the wind and say fuck it! While you transform yourself in a metaphorical spider and weave a web of fanciful lies and perpetuate the innocence of your sublime little ankle biter, so that one day they too can be portrayed on the news for trampling someone at a Walmart stampede on black Friday in order to have ample sacrificial offerings to the infamous dark lord known as Santa Claus! So that one day they too can sit at the alter of greed and malice and pass down a link of bad credit lines and failed progression into the world for generations to come.

It’s a double edged sword no matter which way you look at it, because no matter what you do, it all boils down to one thing. Simple greed.

My “M’advice” to you is, learn the word “No.” not “maybe” or “we’ll see” be straight up and honest. Unless you want to have a child like Dudley from the Harry potter series, bitching about “36 presents, but last year there was 37!” children need boundaries and restraint, and sometimes they just need a good old fashioned asswhoopin. Not time outs, and shit. The word spoiled isn’t attractive, people see the product of spoiled children all the time, like when you see Paris Hilton doing reverse cowgirl via Night Vision, or Lindsey Lohan smoking her kneecaps off and getting the Joan rivers treatment so her lips look like they could be used as flotation devices. Or when you start collecting children like their treasure trolls like Angelina Jolie. And then of course the one word that makes me want to projectile vomit everyone I hear it. “Kardasian.” *vomits*

Honestly get your shit together people, stop the bleeding, remember that at the end of the day, “you never know how strong you are until your forced to find out.”

A little hardship isn’t gonna kill us.

And by god do yourself a favor and get on my level.

That is all.

O’jonny